tue jun 10 ☾ 11:36 pm ☆

i sit here working my shift at the sushi resturant i decided to work at over the summer. it is slow. i am procrastinating on my math homework. quite frankly, it is because math is hard. i don't like math, it doesn't make sense to me.
luckily, lots of other things make sense to me. people make sense. i work as a rock. that is what i define myself as in this working environment. when martin's mother, who comes in sometimes to help out, gets stressed out seeing her son make 18 sushi rolls in the span of 30 minutes, she looks at me worried. i see the concern for her son in her face, and there is nothing i can but reassure her with a smile, a thumbs up, and a "he will be fine, he is capable." rushes do not affect me, i am a server so i simply bring the food out. my job is to stay out of the way and remain calm, and make no mistakes so the flow of the kitchen suffers no disruptions. i too, see the stress, but this stress is good. it means money, it means getting to do something. so after a rush is over, i give high fives and reassure the chef that what he does is very impressive. today he handed me a lottery ticket. his mother and his son buy lottery tickets from the circle k that is in our same plaza. they hope to get atleast twenty dollars out of the small investment. i think its a sweet bonding experience, ive only gotten the chance to see it once before. anywho, i scratched off the numbers as we talked about potentially marketing with the resturant next doors. he also tells me about how running a resturant has been for him. the renovations the building had done after the health department came after martin and his business partner split up. which he restates was a cordial split, and they remain friends-- i keep getting side tracked. i have never scratched off a lottery ticket prior to working here. maybe i am a pessimist, but i have just always assumed i would gain nothing out of it. as i was scratching off the numbers with an oxidized penny, i got one winning number, for $50, then another $10, and i hadn't noticed but there were other $10's too. i originally thought i had won $90. martin had to go in for me to claim the money because you have to be 21 to buy a lottery ticket apparently. he came back with $90 and told me he used $10 to buy beer. i always laugh when he brings out a tall can, i would be drinking daily too if i ran a resturant.
i never finished this writing. in my head, it would have ended well but alas i got up from my table, i closed my computer and then forgot. oops

thursday, june 26 ☾ 12:32 am ☆
i am actually pretty cool. and i have been eating my greens! my body oil has glitter in it & i smell like coconut and shimmer in the sun. my outfits are only getting cuter and im only getting more tea. tears in my latina eyes. im going clubbing with my sister and cousin in 2 week. working out for extra knee strength, im droppin on that floor ;I also because my body collects tension literally so easily, i dont know how i get so tense all throughout the day. doing yoga in my room feels humiliating and my current solution to that problem is to get my own gym membership and sign up for yoga and pilates classes. & i looked at their weekly schedule and their bodypump class sounds interesting. weight room exercising w instructions. this is perfect because i dont know if im doing anything right ever. that being said i do feel a lot of shame for existing. we will tackle the smoothie conundrum tomorrow. oh my god stretching feels so good. my hair is so long and so are my lashes and wow tears in my latina eyes again. we did it. joe we did it. i feel better, it truly did get better. i just needed a little bit of faith in myself. the spirit of nicki minaj has entered me and i feel like living in california and being near a beach and good parties all the time. i want more bad lip filler around me. i want more gays. actually no. let me dream bigger than erewhons & mustangs. i will be in italy partying good & in a mcclaren. the psychiatry can stay in them books baby no more dating broke mentally ill men. wow that was even scary to type out. ive been dancing to dj snake and calvin harris. bitch let me be a dj. bitch get me in a club. also sorry to the rich foreign italian men i curved. oops. cant wait to be in europe myself. thank you rihanna for keeping me dancing and happy i really do miss you. also i am magical. i caught my period. ive been actually tracking it and i got up to pee and i caught it. literally went muahahahaha like an evil villan. & im still working out tomorrow because im gonna get my fucking serotonin and glutamate and dopamine release. body will be tea so will my brain be. its terrible. i want to doom scroll because i cant sleep. but i won't but this is awful its the time that i feel like i want to move the most. i should go on runs tbh. that way i can get sun and also run around like a hamster. i identify so much with them. i love snacking and running around and sleeping. & i will work my ass off to be have the most luxurious hamster life style. living in a loft apartmnet, going out dancing every weekend, eating my berries and nuts and kale and chicken and vodka pasta, dermatologist prescription skincare, going on cute walks and having an enjoyable city to walk through, pedicures weekly and hair healthy.. omg i need a haircut so bad. i also am going to buy that amika hair mask. but also i need to hike and see a waterfall. i need to go to sleep. but i cant so my options are painting or reading. in the morning i am having avocado toast and oatmeal and then after my lab ill get matcha and go to the library.

friday, june 27 ☾ 6:47 pm ☆
day 2 of my period. im not feeling good. still that bitch. woke up at 7 for the gym, took my car in for emissions testing, ignoring my math hw. im going to dye my hair black because it is so brassy its so crazy and its giving me ptsd. like truly. & then i literally only have tube tops in my closet.... wtf..... how did that happen.
answer: imma hoe !!
its okay body tea always. but anyways, in the back of my closet... was my brandy melville radio silence tee. a relic, truly. i hate wearing t-shirts that arent oversized because i feel like a prepubescent child. i wrote down recipes for smoothies to gain weight so purrr. imma drink my calories. i am going to paint my nails too. it was so brave of me to get up for the gym today because i feel like shit. deadass. like a bus fuckin ran me over. i allow myself like 3 minutes to scroll on tiktok each day but its not even funny so its like... whats the point. im not doomscrolling anymore and thats good. but ugh i need to read more. i literally just feel so tired. atleast i work tomorrow. omg i need to apply for jobs. 7:08 pm ☆ i jusst sneezed and felt a knife in my uterus. i think i want to start recording my days, like a cute little video diary because i fear dementia and i already have a bad memory of my highschool years but like im okay with forgetting those but girl im living it up in college i want to remember these. ok bye going to dye my hair now.

darwin knew a lot about moths. he hypothesized a moth with a tongue long enough that would be able to crawl into orchids. in his lifetime they never found the moth but it was eventually discovered after his death. they named it darwin's moth. awwwww :(

bring back buttons. no more touch screens. bitch i want to press down on a button and feel it click down and feel it push back up. more buttons, more life. thank you everybody

tuesday, july 1 ☾ 2:00 pm ☆ stromata of a fig plant under a microscope.

friday, august 29 ☾ 4:30 pm ☆ hey... haahaaha... didn't stay consistent with it but you know what. i have been journaling here and there. i think what matters is that my thoughts are going somewhere. here, journal or on my spam, which i most frequently keep up with. its been about two ish weeks since i moved into my new apartment. i got a stomach virus last sunday and shat liquid for 4 days straight. & that's okay. sometimes you do need to shit your pants to really appreciate a normal functioning stomach. plus i have to go back to eating actual breakfast everyday. im just so tired of eating fucking eggs. im soooo done. but when i actually eat it, its never hard to get down. which i do appreciate. i have yet to make my mango spinach hempseed smoothie but i do need to do that. now that i shat solid for the first time this week. now that my room is decorated. i can be locked in. everything is mostly in its right place. i also need to actually see about a medical scribe job. additionally i want to make a goals list. though my goals are small i think it would make a world of a difference. breakfast everyday. do not skip class. go gym 4 times a week. thats how i can earn my plants. otherwise i cant buy any plants. also no doomscrolling. if i achieve those then i can buy a plant.

monday, september 8 ☾ 12:31 pm ☆ i forgot my notebook and so now i return here because typing so so so fun.... here is a dump for my thoughts as i sit here in hayden library, reading the new york times. i'm reading an article about how the department of health and human services has pulled back a government report warning about the correlation between cancer and drinking. the emerging report states that drinking in moderation is healthier than not drinking at all... and of course their panelists have been under scrutiny for financial ties to alcohol makers. later in the article the statistic that american's alcohol consumption is at an all time low in the united states, it makes sense corporations are scrambling. i guess. everything makes sense.. the health department in the united states is crumbling before our eyes. in fact, many departments are being dismantaled as we speak. science is meant to advance humanity, but it is not profitable. preventative care, doesn't make insurance companies billions, so why invest? vaccines are tested thoroughly before they're made availible to the public, but why trust scientists? why trust facts when we can listen to the decrepit retard in charge of the health department that has no credibility or background... a new strain of covid is making its way through the west and south but let's make the covid vaccine a recommendation.. sure! "i don't know how many people died" kennedy jr says at a hearing. he doesn't know anything. no one in this fucking adminstration knows anything. ask a question and you receive a pathetic run around or a straight up lie. the CDC director, fired. hundreds of researchers fired. if the data doesn't make the country look good, fire them! how fucking pathetic. many people will die, but not the ones that deserve to. many children will die, but let's focus on abortion. we are regressing. what A PATHETIC FUCKING COUNTRY. to have so much money, to have so much potential, and the choice is made to advance few instead of all. joeseph mccarthy this is your fault. i hope everyone is rotting in hell. though the universe doesn't promise retribution. if it was up to me a lot of people would be shot dead. from an ethical standpoint, i am condemned to eternal suffering for doing so. from a socialist standpoint, it would serve to better the future of man kind. this earth is not for us, our resources are depleting & the rug is being pulled from beneath us. the working people, merely a towel being wrung out-- you are nothing more than the labor you contribute and the data you provide. & when there is no more clean air for you to breathe, you'll pay a subscription for that too. though i hope to have been given the grace of death by then.

saturday, september 13 ☾ 4:27 pm ☆ a new bill introduced denies american citizens the right to travel if their speech is found to support terrorism or a terrorist organization. what constitutes as terrorism in the hands of lobbyists and fat chairmen.
the E.P.A announces plan to stop requiring polluting facilities to report their greenhouse gas emissions. ruled, "has no impact on improving human health and the environment," the guardian reports a jump in greenhouse gas pollution in the U.S in the first half of this year. failing US Paris agreement targets.
"“We don’t allow windmills and we don’t want the solar panels,” the president said recently. Trump, who has a longstanding animus towards wind after objecting to viewing “ugly” wind turbines from his Scottish golf course, has conversely praised “beautiful clean coal” and encouraged fossil fuel producers to bypass pollution rules."
this is just an insane statement.
37 year old Silverio Villegas-Gonzalez was fatally shot by ICE officers in franklin park, chicago. i have nothing more. outside, people go on about their daily lives. what can be done. i notice nepal's revolution, what a wonderful course of action. i wonder how to apply it here, & i come up with no answers. no plan, no nothing. america's work culture and lackluster comprehension skills will always hold us back. we cannot unite as a whole if half the country won't acknowledge their rights are being infringed upon. but whatever, i have to finish my math homework.